tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60112439061306257082024-03-13T19:06:43.979-07:00Diary of A Mad, Bored Bedrestin' Momma To BeHoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-41597994113668518232010-05-18T11:54:00.000-07:002010-05-18T11:57:43.719-07:00AmazingBeing pregnant is amazing. Feeling the new life growing and developing instead me is truly a wonderful experierence and I'm enjoying every day of it. I love pushing on my belly and feeling Zooey kick back. I love feeling her dance when she hears music and I love feeling her respond to my voice. Last night I was overcome with emotion. I was so happy I cried happy tears. Falling asleep next to Husband with Zooey kicking me is the best feeling ever. I've only ever been that happy a handful of times.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-4956157687243014712010-05-12T09:27:00.000-07:002010-05-12T09:33:16.699-07:0022 weeks!More than halfway done being pregnant! Time is passing quickly and I'm enjoying every second of feeling my baby move. I get kicked and punched and booty popped everyday and I always stop what I'm doing to enjoy the moments. It is amazing to feel my baby growing inside me! <br /><br />AND..................<br /><br />It's a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />We had our ultrasound a few days ago. Lima Bean was all about showing her goods but not her face. I wanted to see her profile but didn't get to. Bummer but soon enough I suppose. <br /><br />My stomach has grown another inch or two. I know I'm still smaller than most other pregnant women at 5 months and I'm tired of hearing the comments. Yes, I eat. Yes, I know its ok and expected that I gain weight. Yes, my doctor has said that Lima Bean is growing on time and is the size she should be. No, I'm not trying to stay a size 6 while pregnant! If only the stupid people knew how hard we tried for this baby and how heartbroken we were after our first pregnancy because maybe then they'd understand that I'd do anything to help Lima Bean grow into a healthy baby!!<br /><br />So the names we are considering are Eden and Zooey. We will probably decide before she gets here but we aren't in a rush. Her nursery furniture came and she has two outfits hanging in the closet. We still have a lot to do but its a start!Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-39656023566049135052010-04-16T11:36:00.000-07:002010-04-16T11:40:00.742-07:00Moving!Last night as I was watching TV I noticed that one side of my stomach was higher than the other so I felt it and could feel the baby there. Lima Bean wasn't moving just being there. I think s/he was sleeping. DH put his hand there and he could feel too. It was the coolest thing ever! I think we felt our baby sleeping and it was one the most awesome things ever. I'm 18 weeks and a few days so the baby is about 5.5-6 inches long already. I can feel movement everyday but it isn't strong enough that it can be felt from the outside just yet. I love feeling all the little swooshes and pokes happening in there. I can't wait to find out whether I'm having a son or daughter. I'm not showing much though and some say that's a good thing but I'd like a prego belly. I think they are beautiful.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-9271028787706394562010-03-30T20:48:00.000-07:002010-03-30T20:50:13.953-07:0016 weeksSupposedly this is when the big stuff starts happening. I should start looking pregnant, feeling movement, and get over the morning sickness. One month from today I find out whether Lima Bean has a hot dog or a taco!!! I really want to know now... unfortunately the stupid Army hospital here won't even look before 20 weeks even though they should be able to see now. I really can't wait!Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-41183561502594865122010-03-14T14:18:00.001-07:002010-03-14T14:21:04.408-07:0014 weeksHello second trimester!<br />My tummy is starting to poke out. My boobs have grown and some of my bras don't fit. I still get sick sometimes in the evening but that's mostly because I have to eat between 3:30 and 4:30 and if I don't I definitely regret it. Lima Bean is starting to be able to hear, s/he excretes urine, is moving like crazy, and can wiggle his/her toes. I don't feel movement persay, but I feel some flutters sometimes. I love knowing LB is in there and bouncing around. It still blows my mind that a tiny person is in there and moving and I can't feel it. Isn't that wierd when you consider it? 6 months till we have a baby! We started our registry and have bought a few random things. I can't wait to know the sex. 6 more weeks!Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-60076125255717672052010-03-02T19:59:00.000-08:002010-03-02T20:12:41.314-08:00BoooI feel like a bad Momma. I didn't know pregnant ladies weren't supposed to use Vicks Vaporub and I used it a couple times in the past week when my cough was at it worst. I honestly didn't even think I wasn't supposed to use it, being that it was topical and all. Now I feel terribly terrible. I ended up in the ER last night and was a coughing, wheezing, crying mess and the doctor had to reassure me repeatedly that Lima Bean won't be born with 4 arms or anything. An exhausted, sick, coughing pregnant woman shouldn't be given news like that without a vat of icecream, a hand to hold, and a box of tissues. I still feel very badly but I realize now that Vicksvaporub a couple times probably isn't that horrible in the grand scheme of things. At least that's what I'm telling myself.<br /><br />I'm 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant. My first trimester is almost up.<br /><br />The MP Ball is coming up and I need a dress. I decided to brave the mall tonight and was vastly disappointed. Everything I found either made me look 12 or fat. The only dresses I could find to hide my bump were empire waisted with full skirts. Not my favorite style at all! I really wanted something body skimming to showcase my bump but everything I found would need a ton of alterations, cost more than 200$, or managed to make me look fat and dumpy. Thank goodness I have another week or two to find something.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-86967883980937519212010-02-22T09:29:00.001-08:002010-02-22T09:31:07.315-08:0011 weeks!I have a bump!!!<br /><a href="http://s361.photobucket.com/albums/oo59/dakotaridgefield/Knocked%20Up/?action=view¤t=0221001325.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo59/dakotaridgefield/Knocked%20Up/0221001325.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />DH stopped me out of the blue yesterday, pulled up my shirt, and exclaimed that I have a bump! Well, duh. I've been developing one but he didn't see it. Everytime I'd say something he'd look at me like I was nuts. I think its finally sinking in that in about 6 months we'll have a baby and there's a tiny person growing inside me. He kissed my tummy and it was one of the sweetest moments of my life. <br /><br /><br />Banana pudding. Please. Bring. Me. Some. Now.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-76071011569028427582010-02-11T08:04:00.000-08:002010-02-11T08:08:15.421-08:00StretchingAt night it feels like Lima Bean is stretching my uterus and hips, like taking his/her little teensy arm buds and pulling my insides like taffy. DH and I keep arguing in the night because I need to sleep on my side hugging a body pillow and according to DH I'm invading his space. Talking space, he's driving me nuts and I want some effing space. Rant over. I haven't been feeling quite as motion sick which is good but I have been having some pretty strong food aversions. The other night at Golden Corrall I was looking forward to fried chicken and bread and butter which I couldn't eat. I could eat Mac and Cheese and banana pudding though. <br /><br />Oh! And guess what! My boobs are looking a little fuller. Yippppeeee!Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-45484825352208376422010-02-08T07:49:00.001-08:002010-02-08T07:59:40.797-08:009 weeksI was 9 weeks yesterday. Unfortunately DH and I are going through some stuff. He fucked up and while it isn't necessarily a deal breaker its not something I'll forgive right away. I'm so worried about the stress its having on the baby. I know too much stress can make you miscarry...Trust me, after the last time I've done the research and I know what can and can't make you miscarry. I get so worried about worrying that I get more worried and I can't stop. I feel lost in stress and hurt feelings and that's the last thing I was surrounding my unborn child. All I want to do is cry but I know I have to hold it together and somehow deal positively with the stress but I don't know how. Usually I have coffee with a friend or a glass of wine or a hot bath but I can't do any of those. I don't trust myself to have just one cup of coffee without restarting the habit. Obviously wine is out of the question and we haven't had hot water since last Tues. Hopefully our new water heater can be installed today but with the shitty week I'm having I'm not going to hold my breath. All I want to do is hide. I wish I could get a motel room somewhere just to be by myself for a night and take a hot bath and relax. But we can't afford it! Why? Because they are redoing our floors this week from where the furniture company's movers scratched them with our appliances while moving them in. The furniture store will only pay to fix the front two rooms but then the floors wouldn't match throughout so we had to come 900$ out of pocket for their effing mistake. AND we are getting a new water heater and I've missed a week of my babysitting job. We just finished paying off my credit cards and all I wanna do is run to the mall and have a shopping spree. Anything to make myself feel a little better. And all I can think about is Lima Bean and trying to get myself together for him or her.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-79576022808619182692010-01-30T10:29:00.000-08:002010-01-30T10:31:41.243-08:00Morning SicknessMorning sickness doesn't happen to me in the morning. It happens from about a noon on. Thankfully I really haven't vomitted, I just feel carsick instead. And honestly, I don't mind it! M/S is a good sign of a strong implantation so I'll take it.<br /><br />I've been eating and eating and eating. I've eaten us almost out of house and home! I've been eating almost twice what I normally do and I have to eat late at night before bed because I'm starving again by 10pm. At this rate I'm going to put on 60lbs! I already can't button the top button of my jeans. I thought that didn't happen till at least 12 weeks. <br /><br />8 weeks tomorrow!Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-2629201754923722522010-01-19T21:35:00.000-08:002010-01-19T21:41:50.287-08:00Lima Bean!My pregnancy isn't ectopic! My HcG levels are good and I saw the baby's heartbeat today. It was magical and I cried happy tears. Here's a picture of our Lima Bean.<br /><br /><a href="http://s361.photobucket.com/albums/oo59/dakotaridgefield/?action=view¤t=LimaBean119.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo59/dakotaridgefield/LimaBean119.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-40281737343208673012010-01-15T19:27:00.000-08:002010-01-15T19:32:49.590-08:00hmmmWhen I look in the mirror it doesn't look like my boobs have grown but today I feel like they are popping out my shirt which certainly never happenned before. Interesting. <br /><br />Wednesday I had horrific morning sickness until about 7pm. Morning sickness is supposed to be a good sign. Supposedly it means the fetus is implanting deeply into where it needs to go. So I'm probably the one lady in the world who is wishing for more morning sickness!!! <br /><br />Other than that, not much else has changed. I go back to the doctor on Tues. I'm still trying to stay positive. I'm tired and hungrier then normal... And really, really, really trying to stay upbeat!!Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-54772986974677428002010-01-11T19:23:00.000-08:002010-01-11T19:29:59.495-08:00From Bedrest to Pelvic RestSo I'm officially off bedrest for the time being. Instead I'm on pelvic rest. What the h_ll exactly is pelvic rest? It sounds painful if you ask me! But no, pelvic rest means no sex of any kind (including using the vibrator which I don't count as sex but apparantly my OBGYN does), and no lifting, pulling, pushing, dancing, jumping, or exercising. And furthermore if and when I start cramping I'm supposed to sit down with my feet up and rest as much as possible each day.<br /><br />So if I can't lift does that mean I can't take my 8lb purse with me to run errands? And can I even "run" errands since I'll need to push a cart? Can I vacuum if I kick the vaccuum forward? What about scrubbing? Scrubbing wasn't on the list and I don't count it as exercise.<br /><br />I'm quite a literal person and these directions are too ambiguous for me. I mean I get the gist of what I can and can't do but a pamphlet would have been helpful!<br /><br />So the best thing about pelvic rest? Husband cooked me a dinner of comfort foods! Baked chicken and mashed potatoes- yum!!<br /><br />5 weeks as of yesterday and still staying positive. I even ordered some clearance onesies from babygap. That's a huge step forward for me!! And you know what? Being positive takes much less energy.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-87875895569653601402010-01-07T08:51:00.000-08:002010-01-07T09:06:21.851-08:00Casa de Positive ThinkingMy house is now named Casa de Positive Thinking. Yesterday I was at the ER from 1 to 8:45pm. I had some cramping, and since cramping can either be normal in pregnancy or the first sign of miscarriage, Telenurse urged me to go to the ER. So I did. And I waited. And I finally got seen. They know I'm pregnant. It may or may not be an ectopic pregnancy- its a little too soon to tell. I also have some sort of a mass on my right ovary. I have a history of ovarian cysts so it might be that...or it might be another type of mass. <br /><br />I'm not gonna lie, I was crying the ER. Husband was urging me to stay calm but when the ER doc saw me he flat out told me to get my shit together because stress would only make it worse. He said it could make or break my pregnancy. And while it took me a few minutes I did stop crying. In my defense, I was heartbroken after losing my first pregnancy and being in the ER, having an ultrasound, and seeing the Tech's face wrinkle was almost too much. Too many memories on top of raging hormones, exhaustion, and hunger. We'd woke up at 4am to get Husband to work at 5 only to find out the schedule had changed and he hadn't been notified. So after 7.5 hours of my life being spent in the ER I was on breakdown level. I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink and was actually shaking on top of all that!<br /><br />So back to the main reason I'm writing. I'm back on bedrest. Now nicknamed "Resting Sabbatical." I'm in bed, watching TV, redoing my Farmville Farm, giving myself a peptalk, and praying. Casa de Positive Thinking is only for upbeat attitudes! This is a new year and I'm in our new house and its time for some new ways of thinking!!!! My Mom attributes her beating cancer to her positive attitude and I'm taking the same approach.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-90283588868678864002009-12-31T11:08:00.000-08:002009-12-31T11:11:28.902-08:00wwoooowwwwThe news is starting to sink in. I feel exhilarated and overjoyed with a chaser of nervous and scared. I'm trying to stay positive. I know the stats behind miscarriages and infertility and all that jazz and I have the numbers on my side but I'm still very apprehensive. DH and I won't be telling many people until I'm at least through my first trimester. I'll blog about it because I'll need to talk about my feelings and all but we won't be yelling it from the hills so soon this time. <br />Of course I want to tell the world!! But I know it might not be a great idea.<br /><br />And of course, its New Years Eve and we are going to a party and I can't drink. I'm an avid wine drinker so this will be pretty unusual to anyone who knows me..I think I'm gonna try and find sparkling cider to fake people out with...Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-65758865133302183832009-12-30T11:14:00.000-08:002009-12-30T11:15:04.201-08:00Yikes and YeeehaaawwwwI'm pregnant. I know its true because the doctor said so.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-32367754719123191122009-12-29T20:45:00.001-08:002009-12-29T20:46:30.959-08:00!!!!?????????????!!!!!!!So my period is officially due Dec 2. I took an EPT today (yes I gave into temptation!!) and got a very faint positive. I'm scared and happy and overwhelmed all at once! But for now..I wait. I'll talk another in a day or two.<br /><br />Who the hell am I kidding!! You know I'll pee on at least two more tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-63090659475182759952009-12-29T11:12:00.000-08:002009-12-29T11:14:53.026-08:00EPT and ObsessingI'm obsessing. I could take an EPT as early as tomorrow (ignore the dates of my last posts because I'd written them and saved them as drafts before posting) and I'm obsessing. Part of me wants to test so that when my period comes I'm not upset but the other part of me is trying to remail hopeful. And since EPTs are only 57% accurate that early if it says no I'll continue to obsess...............<br /><br />blah!<br /><br />So I obsess. And hope. And pray...and try to prepare for the worst. <br /><br />Remember when getting pregnant was something you feared like the devil's wrath? Funny how now I hope and pray for it!Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-33673085677454843232009-12-25T14:21:00.001-08:002009-12-25T14:22:16.330-08:00Well..I bought ovulation predictors and we did it when the predictor told us too...So now we wait and see. Husband knew what was going on and so if we're successful he can't say he didn't know... So we wait...<br /><br />Waiting sucks.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-57640121536959391562009-12-18T07:42:00.000-08:002009-12-18T07:50:26.671-08:00So confused!Are we trying or not?!? I'm very frustrated at this point. My frustration stems from being confused about whether we are or aren't trying!<br /><br />About two weeks ago Husband and I had a huge conversation about money. He spends and I save..or try to. I told him flat out that I have a bank account that I deposit $ into that he doesn't have access to because he'll spend the $ in it. I'd told him before but I don't think he actually believed me. Then he sprung it on me: "I don't think we are financially ready to have a child." I read into this as I'm scared we can't afford it...<br /><br />Fast forward a couple days. We are at a mandatory FRG meeting for his new unit and someone asks, as someone always does, when we are having kids. And I was floored when he took my hand and announced to the other couple that we are trying.<br /><br />The result? My head was spinning.<br /><br />Now really rewind and go back to last month... I was ovulating and told him. He knows how women's bodies work and this and that but he was "tired." We got busy the day before and the day after I ovulated but obviously didn't get pregnant. The next couple weeks I tried to stay hopeful but the whole time I was also feeling a twinge of resentment. Afterall if we are "trying" you sorta have to suck it up when mother nature says its time to try.<br /><br />I could have gone back on The Pill this month and thought about it for a day or two. But honestly, I have baby fever so badly I just couldn't stop and change direction that suddenly. So this month and next month we'll stay off BC and see what happens. I need a little time to get used to the idea of not trying again till after he gets back from deployment. <br /><br />This month I bought an ovulation detector kit and am using it. We'll see if that helps. I tried using the basal cell thermometer method but with my crazy sleep schedule I don't think I was getting accurate readings.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-47693689411239513822009-11-12T20:08:00.000-08:002009-11-12T20:13:00.061-08:00Not this monthMy period came this morning..2 days late and 48 hours of anticipation were brought to ascreeching halt when I saw the blood. I took another pregnancy test just to make sure but it confirmed that I'm not pregnant. Ironically a friend who apparantly not heard the news texted to ask me how my baby was doing. Part of me wants to cry but most of me is angry. I want to throw something..break something...and hopefully feel a release when something is ruined. I won't do it because I have more self control but I do keep thinking about it. <br /><br />Can I do this month after month? How do I let go and relax and enjoy the babymakin stuff from now on? Everyone says to relax and once you do it'll happen..but how in the world am I supposed to just let go?Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-33817056295574274622009-11-10T09:57:00.000-08:002009-11-10T10:06:09.678-08:00WaitingMy period is due today. I peed on an EPT yesterday and it was a bad test...came back inconclusive. The control window never turned and I wanted to scream. Actually I wanted to drive back to store and buy out their stock but I resisted. I took one last Friday too and it came back negative. 5 days early means the test is only 53% accurate so I tried to remain positive without becoming overly hopeful. I hate this waiting game. I want to be optimistic and "hope it into existence" like the bible says but I'm also afraid to be hopeful and be disappointed. The worst part is that I could be going through this emotional rollercoaster for months or longer. Everytime I smell something I stop and wonder if I'm preggers. If my stomach twinges I wonder if its morning sickness and if my nipples get the tiniest bit hard I think I'm knocked up. <br /><br />So I'm waiting for my period. And I'm not the most patient person so its not the easiest thing for me to do.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-82923435857649435382009-11-02T06:30:00.000-08:002009-11-02T06:37:15.237-08:00Disgusting and WRONG!Its just wrong. Another wife found out she was pregnant about 2 weeks after me. That puts her at about 15-16 weeks now. We were invited to their house for a Halloween party and I stopped dead in my tracks and nearly spilled my drink when I saw her smoking. Yes, SMOKING. Like, inhaling nicotine through a white wrapper smoking. Inhaling all sorts of poison and crap that's not good for you, me, or an innocent baby. Thank goodness I was wearing about 10lbs of eye makeup or I would have gone into the bathroom and cried at the unfairness. Its not fair that she's still pregnant and I'm not. But its worse that she's smoking. She's putting her baby's health in jeaopardy and doesn't seem to care that she's doing it. I'm disgusted and appalled. If I get invited to her baby shower I'm giving her nicorette wrapped in baby gift wrap. Really, how can she be doing this?? Does she not give two shits about her baby? And does she know that's what it looks like to people around her! <br /><br />When I finally calmed down enough to speak I casually asked her husband how she'd done quitting smoking and he said "Oh, she's doing good. She only smokes a few a day now." When she told me she was pregnant she was smoking..She's had at least two months to quit now and quite honestly, more like three months and hasn't done it. If Husband saw me smoking while I was pregnant he'd be beyong mad and disappointed and he'd take the cigerette out of my hand- which he should!!! And so should her husband. I've lost all respect for both of them.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-4527433374803964522009-10-08T06:36:00.000-07:002009-10-08T06:57:23.833-07:00When It Rains It Pours!!!!Two nights ago Husband came home and looked stressed so I asked him what was up. He said that he'd seen an ad for 8 week old shit tzu puppies and wanted to get me one but by the time he got done work and got over there they were all taken. He was so upset because it seems to be the one thing he could do to help me and was excited to do it and then it didn't happen. A puppy would have been a great surprise expecially with all I've been going through. I'd been a little sad all day because we gave our newest dog, the boxer we'd rescued, to a family that really really loved him. Don't get me wrong! We loved him too but he wasn't flourishing in a three dog household; he really needed more attention. Its sad that we don't get to have him with us everyday but its a happy situation because he's with family, has a little girl to wrestle with now, and is the only dog they have. Its bittersweet ... difficult but bittersweet...<br /><br />So fast forward to yesterday. Husband was released from work super early! He asked if I wanted to go to the SPCA to look for a puppy. We decided to go but I was feeling unsure because I only want a dog that would be good for our family and not just a puppy because of my grieving. I guess you could say that I'm trying to think long term and not just short term/getting me through this.<br /><br />We saw some puppies but none were really right. I just didn't feel 100% comfortable in my heart. My gut wasn't feeling it so we decided to get lunch and then head to the pound. At the pound we didn't see any puppies except for Jack Russels which aren't a breed conducive to our lifestyle...But we found a young male cocker spaniel who I fell in love with. We decided that even though he was timid we'd nurse him and bring him into our pack. We were scheduled to pick him up today but we received a call that he has Stage 3-4 heartworm and we really can't afford the 1500-2000$ to treat him. I was sad...still am...<br /><br />As I was digesting the day and what happenned and what could have happenned my Mom called. I talk with her everyday but usually its day to day stuff. Yesterday she called to say that my Uncle had passed from cancer. He'd been battling it nearly three years and was in his 70s. Even though I know he's at peace I'm grieiving for my Aunt who just lost her husband. <br /><br />There's been so much loss lately in my life. I have so much to be thankful for but sometimes its hard to keep your head on straight when you're reeling.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6011243906130625708.post-7270801799822676952009-10-06T11:15:00.000-07:002009-10-06T11:26:34.971-07:00HopefulSunday was another difficult day. We had a BBQ at our house and my girl Sarah brought her new puppy because she didn't want to leave it home. I was nervous about how our dogs would relax and amazingly they were fine! Seeing her was hard because I kept wanting to hold and rock her but I knew she'd have to leave so I tried not to. After they left I got a little teary again...same old ish, wanting to be a mother to something, even if its a puppy! Husband said we could get one but I still don't think its fair to our pack...<br /><br />And after a little while of sitting outside in the dark by myself I decided I was tired of acting like this. Its time to move on and stop wallowing. I called Army One Source and got approved for some counseling sessions. That act made me feel hopeful and empowered...like I can and will move forward. <br /><br />Yesterday I was supposed to call for an appointment but didn't. I had an overall good day and even Husband commented on my cheery mood when he got home from work. We were watching Intervention and this lady was addicted to meth and alcohol. Turns out she'd had eight miscarriages and it was her way to cope. Husband thought I'd be sad and started to squeeze my hand. I wasn't sad per say, I was empathetic toward her situation and realized that moving forward is an important step in my healing process. <br /><br />I do want something to mother ... and a puppy may still be an option but I'm not necessarily in a rush for it.Hoping2BeAMommy2Behttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04945409586656487163noreply@blogger.com0