!!!!?????????????!!!!!!!

So my period is officially due Dec 2. I took an EPT today (yes I gave into temptation!!) and got a very faint positive. I'm scared and happy and overwhelmed all at once! But for now..I wait. I'll talk another in a day or two.

Who the hell am I kidding!! You know I'll pee on at least two more tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EPT and Obsessing

I'm obsessing. I could take an EPT as early as tomorrow (ignore the dates of my last posts because I'd written them and saved them as drafts before posting) and I'm obsessing. Part of me wants to test so that when my period comes I'm not upset but the other part of me is trying to remail hopeful. And since EPTs are only 57% accurate that early if it says no I'll continue to obsess...............

blah!

So I obsess. And hope. And pray...and try to prepare for the worst.

Remember when getting pregnant was something you feared like the devil's wrath? Funny how now I hope and pray for it!

Well..

I bought ovulation predictors and we did it when the predictor told us too...So now we wait and see. Husband knew what was going on and so if we're successful he can't say he didn't know... So we wait...

Waiting sucks.

So confused!

Are we trying or not?!? I'm very frustrated at this point. My frustration stems from being confused about whether we are or aren't trying!

About two weeks ago Husband and I had a huge conversation about money. He spends and I save..or try to. I told him flat out that I have a bank account that I deposit $ into that he doesn't have access to because he'll spend the $ in it. I'd told him before but I don't think he actually believed me. Then he sprung it on me: "I don't think we are financially ready to have a child." I read into this as I'm scared we can't afford it...

Fast forward a couple days. We are at a mandatory FRG meeting for his new unit and someone asks, as someone always does, when we are having kids. And I was floored when he took my hand and announced to the other couple that we are trying.

The result? My head was spinning.

Now really rewind and go back to last month... I was ovulating and told him. He knows how women's bodies work and this and that but he was "tired." We got busy the day before and the day after I ovulated but obviously didn't get pregnant. The next couple weeks I tried to stay hopeful but the whole time I was also feeling a twinge of resentment. Afterall if we are "trying" you sorta have to suck it up when mother nature says its time to try.

I could have gone back on The Pill this month and thought about it for a day or two. But honestly, I have baby fever so badly I just couldn't stop and change direction that suddenly. So this month and next month we'll stay off BC and see what happens. I need a little time to get used to the idea of not trying again till after he gets back from deployment.

This month I bought an ovulation detector kit and am using it. We'll see if that helps. I tried using the basal cell thermometer method but with my crazy sleep schedule I don't think I was getting accurate readings.

Not this month

My period came this morning..2 days late and 48 hours of anticipation were brought to ascreeching halt when I saw the blood. I took another pregnancy test just to make sure but it confirmed that I'm not pregnant. Ironically a friend who apparantly not heard the news texted to ask me how my baby was doing. Part of me wants to cry but most of me is angry. I want to throw something..break something...and hopefully feel a release when something is ruined. I won't do it because I have more self control but I do keep thinking about it.

Can I do this month after month? How do I let go and relax and enjoy the babymakin stuff from now on? Everyone says to relax and once you do it'll happen..but how in the world am I supposed to just let go?

Waiting

My period is due today. I peed on an EPT yesterday and it was a bad test...came back inconclusive. The control window never turned and I wanted to scream. Actually I wanted to drive back to store and buy out their stock but I resisted. I took one last Friday too and it came back negative. 5 days early means the test is only 53% accurate so I tried to remain positive without becoming overly hopeful. I hate this waiting game. I want to be optimistic and "hope it into existence" like the bible says but I'm also afraid to be hopeful and be disappointed. The worst part is that I could be going through this emotional rollercoaster for months or longer. Everytime I smell something I stop and wonder if I'm preggers. If my stomach twinges I wonder if its morning sickness and if my nipples get the tiniest bit hard I think I'm knocked up.

So I'm waiting for my period. And I'm not the most patient person so its not the easiest thing for me to do.

Disgusting and WRONG!

Its just wrong. Another wife found out she was pregnant about 2 weeks after me. That puts her at about 15-16 weeks now. We were invited to their house for a Halloween party and I stopped dead in my tracks and nearly spilled my drink when I saw her smoking. Yes, SMOKING. Like, inhaling nicotine through a white wrapper smoking. Inhaling all sorts of poison and crap that's not good for you, me, or an innocent baby. Thank goodness I was wearing about 10lbs of eye makeup or I would have gone into the bathroom and cried at the unfairness. Its not fair that she's still pregnant and I'm not. But its worse that she's smoking. She's putting her baby's health in jeaopardy and doesn't seem to care that she's doing it. I'm disgusted and appalled. If I get invited to her baby shower I'm giving her nicorette wrapped in baby gift wrap. Really, how can she be doing this?? Does she not give two shits about her baby? And does she know that's what it looks like to people around her!

When I finally calmed down enough to speak I casually asked her husband how she'd done quitting smoking and he said "Oh, she's doing good. She only smokes a few a day now." When she told me she was pregnant she was smoking..She's had at least two months to quit now and quite honestly, more like three months and hasn't done it. If Husband saw me smoking while I was pregnant he'd be beyong mad and disappointed and he'd take the cigerette out of my hand- which he should!!! And so should her husband. I've lost all respect for both of them.