Circumstances and The Way Ish Works Out

Thursday night I was supposed to start a yoga class with a friend. We showed up, signed up, and waited for it to start. We waited and waited and finally went to the lobby and asked why it hadn't started only to find out the teacher was a no show. I was bummed because I was really looking forward to it. Yoga has always been an amazing stress reliever for me and after the horrible day I'd had, ie the day I went to the doc for my rescheck, yoga was just what I needed. But I didn't get it...

So we went to Olive Garden. The Land Of Comfort Food and Calories. We ate a ton of bread, had fattening appetizers, and yummy martinis. As we were leaving these ladies were standing outside with puppies. We couldn't help but stop and quickly learned they were 6 week old toy poodles for sale. Now quick, here's some back story... When Husband and I got married I was terribly lonely in VA. I didn't know a soul in the state other than him and we decided to get a dog. Since it was "my" dog I wanted something small- say 15-20lbs. Husband wanted a manly dog and me being an awesome wife gave in. I compromised and we got a golden retriever. I love her to death but she's not the small dog I've always wanted... Fast forward six months and we somehow have a pack of three 50lb rescue dogs. Ok, back to the puppies. As I held this tiny puppy in my hands I realized that it was a baby dog. Yes, I know how that sounds; puppies are in fact baby dogs (feel free to laugh at me here). But what I'm getting at is that it was a baby dog and I've just lost my baby. All my leftover pregnancy hormones and my supercharged maternal instincts surged. I've never wanted something so badly in life- the mother to this tiny, vulernable baby dog.

The feeling to mother this baby toy poodle, not even a pound large and cuddled onto my neck was insane. I could feel the strength of the emotion and I called Husband. Husband, who'd just worked a 17 hour day and had to be at work again in 7 hours, was indifferent. I was soooo close to paying the woman for the dog but logic kicked in. How could I bring such a tiny dog into our already overflowing animal kingdom? Wouldn't our dogs accidentally run it over? Stupid logic.

Rewing back to Sarah, my friend. She has a maltese and had also called her husband who also said yes; however, here comes the twist in the story, of all four puppies they had she hadn't bonded with one. I realized my situation and realized hers. I handed over the puppy I felt compelled to mother and she fell in love with it too. I saw her melt and quickly said goodbye. I walked to my car and let the emotion pour out. I know it must sound silly but I just want to be a Mommy so badly that when I saw an oppurtunity I couldn't stop myself from almost automatically doing it.

Now Sarah and her husband and maltese have a new "baby," as they call her. Her name is Lacey. I can't say I'm not a little jealous. I know why I'm jealous and I'm happy for her. Really I am, I promise! But somehow it seemed a cruel twist of fate that it happened the day it did.

She brought the puppy by yesterday when she came to drop something off for us. And I held my composure while she was here but when she left I cried a little. I tried to hide it but Husband saw and I opened up about it. He understood and said if I needed a baby dog to love that we'd somehow make it work. I don't see it happenning though. We already have three dogs and we aren't the SPCA, ya know? Its not the right time I guess. Circumstances weren't in my favor. I wasn't dealt the right hand. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

But I wonder if mothering something would have helped me in the healing process... Thoughts?