Hopeful

Sunday was another difficult day. We had a BBQ at our house and my girl Sarah brought her new puppy because she didn't want to leave it home. I was nervous about how our dogs would relax and amazingly they were fine! Seeing her was hard because I kept wanting to hold and rock her but I knew she'd have to leave so I tried not to. After they left I got a little teary again...same old ish, wanting to be a mother to something, even if its a puppy! Husband said we could get one but I still don't think its fair to our pack...

And after a little while of sitting outside in the dark by myself I decided I was tired of acting like this. Its time to move on and stop wallowing. I called Army One Source and got approved for some counseling sessions. That act made me feel hopeful and empowered...like I can and will move forward.

Yesterday I was supposed to call for an appointment but didn't. I had an overall good day and even Husband commented on my cheery mood when he got home from work. We were watching Intervention and this lady was addicted to meth and alcohol. Turns out she'd had eight miscarriages and it was her way to cope. Husband thought I'd be sad and started to squeeze my hand. I wasn't sad per say, I was empathetic toward her situation and realized that moving forward is an important step in my healing process.

I do want something to mother ... and a puppy may still be an option but I'm not necessarily in a rush for it.