Not this month

My period came this morning..2 days late and 48 hours of anticipation were brought to ascreeching halt when I saw the blood. I took another pregnancy test just to make sure but it confirmed that I'm not pregnant. Ironically a friend who apparantly not heard the news texted to ask me how my baby was doing. Part of me wants to cry but most of me is angry. I want to throw something..break something...and hopefully feel a release when something is ruined. I won't do it because I have more self control but I do keep thinking about it.

Can I do this month after month? How do I let go and relax and enjoy the babymakin stuff from now on? Everyone says to relax and once you do it'll happen..but how in the world am I supposed to just let go?

Waiting

My period is due today. I peed on an EPT yesterday and it was a bad test...came back inconclusive. The control window never turned and I wanted to scream. Actually I wanted to drive back to store and buy out their stock but I resisted. I took one last Friday too and it came back negative. 5 days early means the test is only 53% accurate so I tried to remain positive without becoming overly hopeful. I hate this waiting game. I want to be optimistic and "hope it into existence" like the bible says but I'm also afraid to be hopeful and be disappointed. The worst part is that I could be going through this emotional rollercoaster for months or longer. Everytime I smell something I stop and wonder if I'm preggers. If my stomach twinges I wonder if its morning sickness and if my nipples get the tiniest bit hard I think I'm knocked up.

So I'm waiting for my period. And I'm not the most patient person so its not the easiest thing for me to do.

Disgusting and WRONG!

Its just wrong. Another wife found out she was pregnant about 2 weeks after me. That puts her at about 15-16 weeks now. We were invited to their house for a Halloween party and I stopped dead in my tracks and nearly spilled my drink when I saw her smoking. Yes, SMOKING. Like, inhaling nicotine through a white wrapper smoking. Inhaling all sorts of poison and crap that's not good for you, me, or an innocent baby. Thank goodness I was wearing about 10lbs of eye makeup or I would have gone into the bathroom and cried at the unfairness. Its not fair that she's still pregnant and I'm not. But its worse that she's smoking. She's putting her baby's health in jeaopardy and doesn't seem to care that she's doing it. I'm disgusted and appalled. If I get invited to her baby shower I'm giving her nicorette wrapped in baby gift wrap. Really, how can she be doing this?? Does she not give two shits about her baby? And does she know that's what it looks like to people around her!

When I finally calmed down enough to speak I casually asked her husband how she'd done quitting smoking and he said "Oh, she's doing good. She only smokes a few a day now." When she told me she was pregnant she was smoking..She's had at least two months to quit now and quite honestly, more like three months and hasn't done it. If Husband saw me smoking while I was pregnant he'd be beyong mad and disappointed and he'd take the cigerette out of my hand- which he should!!! And so should her husband. I've lost all respect for both of them.