Two nights ago Husband came home and looked stressed so I asked him what was up. He said that he'd seen an ad for 8 week old shit tzu puppies and wanted to get me one but by the time he got done work and got over there they were all taken. He was so upset because it seems to be the one thing he could do to help me and was excited to do it and then it didn't happen. A puppy would have been a great surprise expecially with all I've been going through. I'd been a little sad all day because we gave our newest dog, the boxer we'd rescued, to a family that really really loved him. Don't get me wrong! We loved him too but he wasn't flourishing in a three dog household; he really needed more attention. Its sad that we don't get to have him with us everyday but its a happy situation because he's with family, has a little girl to wrestle with now, and is the only dog they have. Its bittersweet ... difficult but bittersweet...
So fast forward to yesterday. Husband was released from work super early! He asked if I wanted to go to the SPCA to look for a puppy. We decided to go but I was feeling unsure because I only want a dog that would be good for our family and not just a puppy because of my grieving. I guess you could say that I'm trying to think long term and not just short term/getting me through this.
We saw some puppies but none were really right. I just didn't feel 100% comfortable in my heart. My gut wasn't feeling it so we decided to get lunch and then head to the pound. At the pound we didn't see any puppies except for Jack Russels which aren't a breed conducive to our lifestyle...But we found a young male cocker spaniel who I fell in love with. We decided that even though he was timid we'd nurse him and bring him into our pack. We were scheduled to pick him up today but we received a call that he has Stage 3-4 heartworm and we really can't afford the 1500-2000$ to treat him. I was sad...still am...
As I was digesting the day and what happenned and what could have happenned my Mom called. I talk with her everyday but usually its day to day stuff. Yesterday she called to say that my Uncle had passed from cancer. He'd been battling it nearly three years and was in his 70s. Even though I know he's at peace I'm grieiving for my Aunt who just lost her husband.
There's been so much loss lately in my life. I have so much to be thankful for but sometimes its hard to keep your head on straight when you're reeling.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Hopeful
Sunday was another difficult day. We had a BBQ at our house and my girl Sarah brought her new puppy because she didn't want to leave it home. I was nervous about how our dogs would relax and amazingly they were fine! Seeing her was hard because I kept wanting to hold and rock her but I knew she'd have to leave so I tried not to. After they left I got a little teary again...same old ish, wanting to be a mother to something, even if its a puppy! Husband said we could get one but I still don't think its fair to our pack...
And after a little while of sitting outside in the dark by myself I decided I was tired of acting like this. Its time to move on and stop wallowing. I called Army One Source and got approved for some counseling sessions. That act made me feel hopeful and empowered...like I can and will move forward.
Yesterday I was supposed to call for an appointment but didn't. I had an overall good day and even Husband commented on my cheery mood when he got home from work. We were watching Intervention and this lady was addicted to meth and alcohol. Turns out she'd had eight miscarriages and it was her way to cope. Husband thought I'd be sad and started to squeeze my hand. I wasn't sad per say, I was empathetic toward her situation and realized that moving forward is an important step in my healing process.
I do want something to mother ... and a puppy may still be an option but I'm not necessarily in a rush for it.
And after a little while of sitting outside in the dark by myself I decided I was tired of acting like this. Its time to move on and stop wallowing. I called Army One Source and got approved for some counseling sessions. That act made me feel hopeful and empowered...like I can and will move forward.
Yesterday I was supposed to call for an appointment but didn't. I had an overall good day and even Husband commented on my cheery mood when he got home from work. We were watching Intervention and this lady was addicted to meth and alcohol. Turns out she'd had eight miscarriages and it was her way to cope. Husband thought I'd be sad and started to squeeze my hand. I wasn't sad per say, I was empathetic toward her situation and realized that moving forward is an important step in my healing process.
I do want something to mother ... and a puppy may still be an option but I'm not necessarily in a rush for it.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Circumstances and The Way Ish Works Out
Thursday night I was supposed to start a yoga class with a friend. We showed up, signed up, and waited for it to start. We waited and waited and finally went to the lobby and asked why it hadn't started only to find out the teacher was a no show. I was bummed because I was really looking forward to it. Yoga has always been an amazing stress reliever for me and after the horrible day I'd had, ie the day I went to the doc for my rescheck, yoga was just what I needed. But I didn't get it...
So we went to Olive Garden. The Land Of Comfort Food and Calories. We ate a ton of bread, had fattening appetizers, and yummy martinis. As we were leaving these ladies were standing outside with puppies. We couldn't help but stop and quickly learned they were 6 week old toy poodles for sale. Now quick, here's some back story... When Husband and I got married I was terribly lonely in VA. I didn't know a soul in the state other than him and we decided to get a dog. Since it was "my" dog I wanted something small- say 15-20lbs. Husband wanted a manly dog and me being an awesome wife gave in. I compromised and we got a golden retriever. I love her to death but she's not the small dog I've always wanted... Fast forward six months and we somehow have a pack of three 50lb rescue dogs. Ok, back to the puppies. As I held this tiny puppy in my hands I realized that it was a baby dog. Yes, I know how that sounds; puppies are in fact baby dogs (feel free to laugh at me here). But what I'm getting at is that it was a baby dog and I've just lost my baby. All my leftover pregnancy hormones and my supercharged maternal instincts surged. I've never wanted something so badly in life- the mother to this tiny, vulernable baby dog.
The feeling to mother this baby toy poodle, not even a pound large and cuddled onto my neck was insane. I could feel the strength of the emotion and I called Husband. Husband, who'd just worked a 17 hour day and had to be at work again in 7 hours, was indifferent. I was soooo close to paying the woman for the dog but logic kicked in. How could I bring such a tiny dog into our already overflowing animal kingdom? Wouldn't our dogs accidentally run it over? Stupid logic.
Rewing back to Sarah, my friend. She has a maltese and had also called her husband who also said yes; however, here comes the twist in the story, of all four puppies they had she hadn't bonded with one. I realized my situation and realized hers. I handed over the puppy I felt compelled to mother and she fell in love with it too. I saw her melt and quickly said goodbye. I walked to my car and let the emotion pour out. I know it must sound silly but I just want to be a Mommy so badly that when I saw an oppurtunity I couldn't stop myself from almost automatically doing it.
Now Sarah and her husband and maltese have a new "baby," as they call her. Her name is Lacey. I can't say I'm not a little jealous. I know why I'm jealous and I'm happy for her. Really I am, I promise! But somehow it seemed a cruel twist of fate that it happened the day it did.
She brought the puppy by yesterday when she came to drop something off for us. And I held my composure while she was here but when she left I cried a little. I tried to hide it but Husband saw and I opened up about it. He understood and said if I needed a baby dog to love that we'd somehow make it work. I don't see it happenning though. We already have three dogs and we aren't the SPCA, ya know? Its not the right time I guess. Circumstances weren't in my favor. I wasn't dealt the right hand. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
But I wonder if mothering something would have helped me in the healing process... Thoughts?
So we went to Olive Garden. The Land Of Comfort Food and Calories. We ate a ton of bread, had fattening appetizers, and yummy martinis. As we were leaving these ladies were standing outside with puppies. We couldn't help but stop and quickly learned they were 6 week old toy poodles for sale. Now quick, here's some back story... When Husband and I got married I was terribly lonely in VA. I didn't know a soul in the state other than him and we decided to get a dog. Since it was "my" dog I wanted something small- say 15-20lbs. Husband wanted a manly dog and me being an awesome wife gave in. I compromised and we got a golden retriever. I love her to death but she's not the small dog I've always wanted... Fast forward six months and we somehow have a pack of three 50lb rescue dogs. Ok, back to the puppies. As I held this tiny puppy in my hands I realized that it was a baby dog. Yes, I know how that sounds; puppies are in fact baby dogs (feel free to laugh at me here). But what I'm getting at is that it was a baby dog and I've just lost my baby. All my leftover pregnancy hormones and my supercharged maternal instincts surged. I've never wanted something so badly in life- the mother to this tiny, vulernable baby dog.
The feeling to mother this baby toy poodle, not even a pound large and cuddled onto my neck was insane. I could feel the strength of the emotion and I called Husband. Husband, who'd just worked a 17 hour day and had to be at work again in 7 hours, was indifferent. I was soooo close to paying the woman for the dog but logic kicked in. How could I bring such a tiny dog into our already overflowing animal kingdom? Wouldn't our dogs accidentally run it over? Stupid logic.
Rewing back to Sarah, my friend. She has a maltese and had also called her husband who also said yes; however, here comes the twist in the story, of all four puppies they had she hadn't bonded with one. I realized my situation and realized hers. I handed over the puppy I felt compelled to mother and she fell in love with it too. I saw her melt and quickly said goodbye. I walked to my car and let the emotion pour out. I know it must sound silly but I just want to be a Mommy so badly that when I saw an oppurtunity I couldn't stop myself from almost automatically doing it.
Now Sarah and her husband and maltese have a new "baby," as they call her. Her name is Lacey. I can't say I'm not a little jealous. I know why I'm jealous and I'm happy for her. Really I am, I promise! But somehow it seemed a cruel twist of fate that it happened the day it did.
She brought the puppy by yesterday when she came to drop something off for us. And I held my composure while she was here but when she left I cried a little. I tried to hide it but Husband saw and I opened up about it. He understood and said if I needed a baby dog to love that we'd somehow make it work. I don't see it happenning though. We already have three dogs and we aren't the SPCA, ya know? Its not the right time I guess. Circumstances weren't in my favor. I wasn't dealt the right hand. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
But I wonder if mothering something would have helped me in the healing process... Thoughts?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
What a Horrible Experience To Endure!
Today's been a miserable day. I had to go to the doctor for my recheck. I tried to mentally prepare myself. In fact, I tried to start preparing myself several days ago. I pictured myself walking in calmly, not breaking down, being seen, and hightailing my bubble butt outta there. Unfortunately that didn't really happen. Of course not, right! I walk in there and stand behind two waddling pregnant woman who are discussing nursery decor. I held my head high and checked in and took a seat to wait. I'd brought my iPod and a book but quickly realized that if my iPod volume was loud enough to hear the music that I couldn't hear the nurses calling patients. Reluncantly I shut off my iPod and a few minutes later it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I was close to tears so I texted Husband who is, of course, down range again today. I told him how difficult it was and how I wished he'd been able to come and hold my hand...
...And do you know what I got back?! "Yeah but if you need me to be with you then I will and it'll get me outta this BS."
Um, excuse me? Do you realize, Husband, how that came off? I read it like "If you want me to come I will..and it'll be good because it gets me out of this boring work thing." That wasn't really what I had in mind.
An arguement via text ensued for the next fifteen minutes while I waited. Blessedfully (which is a word because I just used it) our arguement kept me from noticing the preggo women who sat on each side of me. He apologized and said he'd come but I told him not to worry about it because there was no way he could get there in time. I figured I'd be outta there quickly so I told him he wouldn't get there in 15 minutes so to forget it. And his last text to me was "I'm 20 mins away." To me that meant he was coming......... when in fact he was saying that he was too far away anyhow.
They called me back and put me in an exam room. I was looking forward to the solitude and waiting for Husband but instead I could hear the woman next door...and her baby's heartbeat. They were monitoring it and it was clearly loud enough to be heard through the paper thin wall into the room I was waiting in.
It was tortuous. Cruel. Inhumane. Unfair. Horrible and inconsiderate. I kept tearing up but somehow held most of my tears in. Ten long minutes later the March of the Heartbeat stopped. All I could think about was that I'd heard my baby's heartbeat and now there's no baby.
And so the doctor comes in really quick, throws my heels in the stirrups, prods around with a device in my innermost parts and tells me not to have sex or use tampons for another two weeks and sends me on my way. The bastard didn't even ask how I was doing. Being that crying is difficult to hide I have a hard time believing that he didn't see it. He just didn't care.
Husband wasn't there so I called him expecting to see him running in. Instead all I got was a "at the range" text. What a terrible twist of fate and play on words earlier. A cruel text message trick! After that I took a deep breath, put on my sunglasses and walked as quickly as I could outside. I barely made it to the parking lot before the tears started again.
...And do you know what I got back?! "Yeah but if you need me to be with you then I will and it'll get me outta this BS."
Um, excuse me? Do you realize, Husband, how that came off? I read it like "If you want me to come I will..and it'll be good because it gets me out of this boring work thing." That wasn't really what I had in mind.
An arguement via text ensued for the next fifteen minutes while I waited. Blessedfully (which is a word because I just used it) our arguement kept me from noticing the preggo women who sat on each side of me. He apologized and said he'd come but I told him not to worry about it because there was no way he could get there in time. I figured I'd be outta there quickly so I told him he wouldn't get there in 15 minutes so to forget it. And his last text to me was "I'm 20 mins away." To me that meant he was coming......... when in fact he was saying that he was too far away anyhow.
They called me back and put me in an exam room. I was looking forward to the solitude and waiting for Husband but instead I could hear the woman next door...and her baby's heartbeat. They were monitoring it and it was clearly loud enough to be heard through the paper thin wall into the room I was waiting in.
It was tortuous. Cruel. Inhumane. Unfair. Horrible and inconsiderate. I kept tearing up but somehow held most of my tears in. Ten long minutes later the March of the Heartbeat stopped. All I could think about was that I'd heard my baby's heartbeat and now there's no baby.
And so the doctor comes in really quick, throws my heels in the stirrups, prods around with a device in my innermost parts and tells me not to have sex or use tampons for another two weeks and sends me on my way. The bastard didn't even ask how I was doing. Being that crying is difficult to hide I have a hard time believing that he didn't see it. He just didn't care.
Husband wasn't there so I called him expecting to see him running in. Instead all I got was a "at the range" text. What a terrible twist of fate and play on words earlier. A cruel text message trick! After that I took a deep breath, put on my sunglasses and walked as quickly as I could outside. I barely made it to the parking lot before the tears started again.
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