Monday, September 21, 2009

Its not fair

Its not fair that I lost my baby. I did absolutely everything the doctor told me. I was vigilant with bedrest. I laid down except to walk my dogs out and sit down with them outside. I didn't lift, strain, have sex, smoke, drink, stand for a long period of time, or change the cat litter. I didn't eat lunch meat, hot dogs, fish, raw steak, or under cooked eggs. I did everything the doctor said and I still lost my baby. One of Husband's buddies has a GF who is pregnant and she's still smoking at 9 weeks. How is this any kind of fair?

Being pregnant renewed my sense of faith. I prayed for my baby to be healthy and for Husband and I to be good, supportive parents. I prayed for my baby more then I've ever prayed in my life...and yet I still lost my baby. And mostly, I thanked God for the miracle of being pregnant. Now I'm struggling with my faith. How do I continue with my faith when I feel God was spiteful?

Everyone tells me that I'm young and to keep trying. But if we keep trying and this is an ongoing thing how will I stay strong enough? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to repeat this.

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