Too Good To Be True

The week after I found out I was pregnant I had a bleeding spell. I ended up in the ER and after an ultrasound and about a billion tests they determined it was "threatened miscarriage." Apparantly any type of bleeding during pregnancy is called a threatened miscarriage. I was told to get in bed and stay in bed. The beginning of bedrest...
The following week my doctor told me to keep on bedrest..
And the week after that, week 7 of pregnancy, I had another threatened miscarriage. The bleeding was much more heavy and red and I was sure then that I was loosing my baby. The ultrasound yielded positive results and I was put on more bedrest. That was my third week of bedrest and it was starting to wear on my last nerves. My house was a mess and I couldn't do anything about it. I was super bored and my only bridge to the outside world was my husband who was tired of not having help. He'd come home from work and have to fix dinner, walk the dogs, and do basic chores and I know he was exhausted.
We were so excited when I got put on a resting schedule soon after.

I went for my first scheduled sonogram as I entered my tenth week. I was so excited to leave with a picture of my baby. The doc put the cold goo on my tummy and started pressing but couldn't see anything. So she decided to use the "wand." The wand is nothing magical...its a long probe that goes inside your vagina to take pictures and is supposed to show images more clearly. The wand clearly showed that there was no baby in my uterus. There was no heartbeat and no beginning of little baby arms or legs. There was a black blob which she told me mean that I'd had a missed miscarriage. I'd miscarried my baby and my body didn't tell me. As soon as I saw the black blob I knew. Tears streamed down my face and I tried to focus on what the doctor was saying but after a few seconds I was crying uncontrollably. She handed me a box of tissues and hugged me as I struggled to regain my composure.

After I was finally able to get dressed she led me out of the sonogram room to her office to discuss options. I'm not sure she even noticed that she sat me next to a bulletin board of smiling babies that she'd delivered. I felt like they were laughing at me. She told me I could take medicine to induce a mscarriage, wait for it to happen naturally, or have a D&C- a surgical procedure to remove it. I opted for a D&C the next day. Dealing with it on my own with medicine didn't seem like a good option and I certainly wasn't going to wait for it to happen naturally.

Husband was with his unit at the range and didn't get back for three hours. By the time he got home I'd cried myself to sleep. I'd realized that it was dead inside me for at least two weeks without me knowing. That morbid thought was the cruelest possible end to the situation. How could my body not have alerted me? How could my body not have known?

I loved my baby. I prayed for my baby. I said good morning and good night to my baby each and every day. It hurts that I lost it. I don't think I've ever been so heartbroken.